Beaten to behave

Poems, , , , ,

Pain unreeled from a walled heart
Projects her childhood from the
flashing brain on the rusted eyelids

A memory buried so deep, and
preserved carefully in salty tears and cold screams
that it remains vivid when unleashed…

She remembers not being able to breathe
The pillow dense with feathers under desperate hands
Every dizzy blood cell fighting to move…

“I wish you were dead” shouts the angry voice
hammering through her glassy sleep

The skin blotted with crimson patches
Rooted in robbed dreams
Nurtured with unfulfilled expectations
Grows when each slap is multiplied
with a fearless look in her eyes
to remind her that she is a survivor
as long as she exists
And, a victim if she doesn’t
Tainted yet burnished

 

 

Stop Child Abuse. It is one of those things that stays forever.

36 comments

    1. Thank you for understanding, I appreciate your sincerity because as surprising as it may sound not many people are capable of empathy but you are, that makes you special. Yes, this is an intense poem I might have shed a tear writing this because I’ve sprinkled it with personal experiences (which was not easy for me).
      Thanks for taking the time to comment. Take care. 🙂

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    1. Thanks for the appreciation, Victor. I read the poem you just posted on your blog and it was as sad as brilliantly executed…and I cannot put my thoughts in words, as in, how I felt after reading it…I hope that was not a real-life experience.
      Have a great week ahead!

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  4. My Pleasure!
    I am so sorry to learn “I’ve sprinkled it with personal experience (which was not easy for me) “. I lived the same pain so I understand it very well. It still haunts me. I cannot personally console, comfort and save these guiltless buds but I am potent enough to assure my sincere prayers. Take Care.

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    1. I’m sorry to hear that. We learn to live with it, right? But that doesn’t mean it is forgettable…it’s just something that remains with us as long as we are..at least that’s what I feel.
      My sincere prayers for you too. Take care. 🙂

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      1. Yes. We just become masters in hiding the pain. It never goes away. It makes you hollow from within and becomes your integral part. I just go on…………. my life goes on but it stays there in me…. all the time.
        Thanks for your prayers. 🙂

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  5. I feel like I don’t even have the right to express any thoughts here because I could never fully understand the depth of situations like this. However, I am glad that people often come out of these bad places stronger than ever so that’s something to be thankful for. This was beautiful

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I completely agree, these experiences often make people stronger if they don’t break at the wrong time. Thanks so much for your unwavering support. It means a lot. 🙂

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  6. This is very sobering. I’m so sorry to hear that you have suffered these things. There are no words for such. We live in a fallen world, and with that, comes inhumane acts like what you have shared here. I wish I could take away your, and all victim’s abuse.

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    1. Aw..no one has EVER said such a sweet thing to me. I wish no one goes through what I had to and what i still sometimes do. It has made me stronger but also weaker in many aspects.
      Thank you for your beautiful thought. I’m glad that i have the support of people like you who would not let such viciousness propagate any further. 🙂

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      1. Ohhhhhh, I’m so glad that I could share with you. I wish no one would go through that either. I’m sure it can definitely make you stronger, but also really take a toll on your well-being, emotionally and psychologically. Please, if you ever need to talk or ‘unload’ please feel free to contact me. I wouldn’t want you to suffer alone.
        🙂

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      2. Yes, psychologically it is extremely distressful, I do experience bouts of agoraphobia and I have been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, I can’t blame all of it on the abuse…maybe that’s the way it was always meant to be but distrust and self-consciousness are some major issue I face because of my childhood…
        But, on the bright side I’m so happy to have met wonderful people like yourself, I will definitely contact you whenever I have the need to talk to someone. Much love. Take care! ❤

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    1. Aw…that is such a sweet thing to say! I’ll remember that whenever I feel disheartened. Thank you, Lina! 🙂

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  9. Ah! What a sad and heartbreaking poem…
    “…she is a survivor
    as long as she exists
    And, a victim if she doesn’t
    Tainted yet burnished.”
    I often think how lucky I am not to have been an abused child… abused children are “destroyed” from inside, and rebuilding their life is as difficult as long, because the wound stays forever… I’m very touched and I really hope you were not abused when you were a child.
    As for abusing parents, can we call them “parents”? As Staci Lys said, we’re living in a broken world and cruel people are everywhere… thanks to God, beautiful souls try to help and relieve pain… I know some special angels are sent to watch over abused children…
    Take care! I’m happy to see that we have many wonderful followers in common 🙂
    Amitiés!
    Frédéric

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    1. I was….and at times I go back to that place because it is pretty much where I come from…it is somewhere I belong and as tough as being able to live at such a place is, it is even more shameful, for the abused and the abuser.
      How does one explain a black eye to a friend who has only seen it in movies?
      As you said, the wounds never heal..and they don’t, ever. I’d be lying if I said that I am perfectly fine now because I am not…it is only due to some friends of mine and people like you who remind me of the things worth living for. To live in such a way that no one else around me has to go through the same…and I really do whatever it takes to stop another ‘me’ from being born.
      Thank you for understanding. That is all I need. 🙂
      Oh, and it’s only through your blog that I’ve found some mega-amazing people like Lorrie Bowden, Staci Lys and Rachael. 😀
      So, THANKS! 🙂

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      1. I’m so sorry. But your words show you’re very lucid and brave. And I think writing poems like this is VERY important and that you were very rigfht to write it
        “How does one explain a black eye to a friend who has only seen it in movies?” You’re right, some nightmares are beyond imagination..
        Oh! I’m so happy you’re conncted with Lorrie, Staci & Rachael… they are just WONDERFUL women… so, if you feel sad or need positive energy, please visit Lorrie’s blog. She is an angel of “Blessitude” sent in this world to cheer us up, she’s now a friend of mine and we feel very close to each other. A soul mate in fact… one of the main aspect of her concept “blessitude” is to LOVE yourself because YOU are a miracle and that loving yourself allow to love eveyone… accepting emotions, living fully what our heart tells us to live… it is a very pure and simple spirituality. And, of course, HUMOR. So, I’m really very glad you follow their amazing blogs…
        Take care 🙂 ♥

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      2. Yes, I did check out Blessitude, Lorrie really is an angel. And there is so much optimism on her blog, it’s incredible. In-fact all the three blogs are full of wonder. I visit their blogs on a daily basis. Makes my day a happy one! 🙂
        Thanks for always being so kind and helping!
        Take care! ❤

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  10. You know I read this post the other day…and it hurt. And it gave me fear…because sometimes I still feel I have to run from the darkness. But I have learned so much…and I know the only true way to banish darkness is to turn on the “Light!” And then the universe does something like send my favorite French “Birdie” to tell me something I needed to see!

    I am so humbled by the conversation I read here…and so grateful!! You know this all happened for me at the most perfect time…I needed to read your words…and Frédéric’s words…so I know that my response will be just as important to you.

    I’m sorry that that is the childhood you had to be in…I feel your pain and I wish I could take it away! I will never be okay with child abuse in any way, shape, or form. But I must say that I understand that when we go through something like this…it makes us stronger…and I think we become the person we are supposed to be by going through all of our experiences…good and bad.

    Fre’de’ric touched on my Blessitude. ..and he amazes me with his ability to really see me…and he is correct! I think the most important thing we can do is to offer ourselves the love we were denied …but that is very hard to do when we were never taught love…we were taught FEAR!

    So I send you a giant cloud of love to embrace you…and I will give you love anytime you need it!! And I’m not by any means perfect with this yet (or I would not have needed to read your words right now!) But I learn EVERY DAY!! And if I can EVER help you…you just need ask!!!! ❤ ❤ <3. Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂
    And if you ever need to…you can go to my contact page and send an email…I looked for yours because I thought this might get long…and I was right! 😉

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      2. It is indeed an incredible message..and a strong one too! I shall keep this in my mind.
        Thank you so much, Frédéric!
        And Thank you, Lorrie!
        You two are the motivators I never had. ❤
        Take care! :')

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    2. I feel more humbled by your message. Frédéric is an angel and you truly are his soul-mate. ❤ ❤
      Thank you so much for responding. I feel exhilarated after reading your comment. It's like I needed to read it. There is so much positiveness in it. I understand how reading this poem must have been terrifying, when I remember the past, I have an even worse feeling. To put it in words was tougher than I thought it would be, because this is not even a fraction of how it was once. Thankfully, I somehow made it to being a 22 year old so now I have better control over my life…but what's been done cannot be undone. It has affected me in ways that have become my habit and moreover my personality…
      You must have been through much more than what I have and to rise above it all to be a blessing to other people..that's something which needs massive courage. I take pride in knowing you for what you are. You're correct to say that all we need is to flick the 'Light' on..I do flick it on but it doesn't last long…I'm not sure why but that's the truth of it. As you said it is hard for me because I was taught to fear everyone which I have overcome a lot (or else I would never have been able to create a blog) but I still push people away..it's like a natural defense mechanism that my mind has built, I have the need to 'test' people because I fear too much. I fear rejection. I fear acceptance. I fear good and I fear bad. I am an avoidant.
      Uhh…I get tired of myself.
      BUT! Thank you so very much! I gratefully accept your cloud of love. And I'll look forward to more and at times will demand for it by emailing you! ❤ 😀
      Hehe, on my blog I feel really really happy. It is a place where I am accepted for what I am and that is all I have ever wanted. 🙂

      Lots of Love for you Lorrie. You truly are an angel! ❤

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      1. Oh..wow. Yes…you are correct. ..what’s been done is done and I pray that you are finished with the abuse in your life! Are you 22 now…that’s what I think I read. You are so poised and so knowing for one so young…I’m so happy for you…if you are on this healing journey this young you can hopefully avoid the lengthy years in between where you make sure others continue the abuse…or worse …abuse yourself if no one else will.

        Don’t diminish what you went through. ..or get bogged down in feeling bad for feeling bad…thinking that others have gone through worse etc. My journey was hard but in no way diminishes your truth. And ANY child abuse is horrible. ..no matter the severity.

        You are welcome any time you need to contact me…I am no expert but I will always support you. And if I could steer you away from some of the things I went through. ..THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! !! Keep your heart open…allow love…to and from yourself….love is the antidote to fear!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      2. Thank you! Yes, I won’t let bad memories drag me down anymore and if I feel like talking to someone I will contact you! Love is indeed the antidote to fear, very very true. Lots of love for you too! ❤
        Oh yes, I LOVE being a part of this community. ❤ ❤ 🙂

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  11. dear Gentle Soul…for all you have endured, you are so courageous. I cried when I read your words–it took heroic measures to spill this out. I get paralyzed at times and cannot speak…you have gone beyond and as I read your words, it also frees me inside…for you can speak for me and for so many others. If only people would realize the precious lives that are given to them to bring into this world…and touch them with gentleness and honor their beauty and purity of heart. I have come to think those who do such damage to others, were also neglected and abused and did not have love…so they are full of anger and rage and when the chance comes before them to love, they do not know what to do, so they act out their anger…they do not know there is a choice. They can choose to be someone different than what they experienced. Fear keeps them from being their good self. Meanwhile, so many more are hurt. But YOU have risen above the hurt. You are not only a survivor…you thrive with courage! Always believe in your beauty and goodness…rise above the doubts…Your Goodness is the TRUE YOU.

    “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
    With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ”

    Max Ehrmann 1927

    http://www.cs.columbia.edu/~gongsu/desiderata_textonly.html

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    1. Thanks so much, my dear friend. I feel extremely sorry for you if you’ve been through something similar in your life, because NO ONE deserve this! It’s outrageous that we co-exist with people who don’t have humility, let alone virtues like kindness. It did take a lot of courage and negative energy to write this because I had to summon everything I keep tucked in in a corner which is better forgotten but sometimes things happen that re-instill every last tear-drop in your eyes. I cried so many times while writing this, because I am ashamed of it, and of how I was raised. No child deserves it and I never knew that which breaks me even more.

      I completely understand when you say – “those who do such damage to others, were also neglected and abused and did not have love…so they are full of anger and rage and when the chance comes before them to love, they do not know what to do, so they act out their anger…they do not know there is a choice.” A very fine point there, they don’t know that they have a choice, and even if they do they choose ignorance because that’s the easier path. It’s easy to hit a helpless child and ridicule them because for them the very idea of ‘right’ is their parents so they will stay quiet no matter what you say.

      I thank you from the depths of my heart, J, for all the optimism that you possess and spread in-spite of whatever good or bad it is that you’ve been through. I thank you for the prayers and blessings you bestow upon me, and your endless generosity.

      You’re a blessing and a wonderful friend and I treasure you. ❤

      Lots of Love
      Light

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