Alongside Walls

Poems, ,

                                                                     

Staring at walls
We stand in silence
Staring at parallel walls
We stand silence
Staring at walls paralleled
Stands silence

I cannot see you
But, maybe
just maybe
you are looking at me

There are distances that cannot be covered. And, trying – only makes this realisation stronger. I have been talking..quite a lot these past few days, to mum and others – those who say they want to listen. I tend to speak less about my problems with family members not because they don’t understand but because they cannot help me any further. I have exhausted them beyond their means. Yesterday, something very unexpected happened. It involved pleno exercise of my rigid moral principles. I know that mum wants the same things as me | or that’s what I make myself believe. But it’ll take time if i do things my way. It’s like when asked to find the decimal form of say 25/100 then 0.25 stares in my face while I reduce it to 1/4, and only then shall I write 0.25. It is needless to say that she doesn’t understand that I am idiot, a patient one. She has to give me *gasp* more time. Probably after that I’ll start believing that only words matter and not the silence, as of now I prefer to stay quiet.

 

38 comments

  1. Ah, this “feel free to speak your mind” always tempts me! So, alongside walls you are, i am, many of us are; and so is silence. If i said that i love your poems once again would it seem too common up to this point? I loved how you “played” between walls, silence, you and the interaction of all the aforementioned factors. Because in life we come across walls and our silence stands with us behind them, the wall you see though is not the only one, there are other walls, ahead or behind you, the walls you had to face and the walls you’ll come across, the so called parallel walls, and in between them stands silence, without you at the present, but it stood with you when you were there, at that wall. And it will probably stand with you when you reach the next one, unless you smash it and along with it you’ll break the silence. For every wall there’s a silence, for every silence, a wall, for every breaking, an echo. And that’s when we can stand silence, especially when the paralleled walls are the present and the past one, you know that you broke that silence before, so you can stand silence, you know it’s something you could go through in the past and it’s relieving and encouraging at the same time. And the will to break that present wall echoes through your words. And once you’re staring at walls paralleled, what’s there? Silence, it has always been there. And that’s where it should remain, without you. Silence is gold sometimes, but sometimes silence is woe. And you’re referring to the second part. And that silence deserves to be alone, in silence, without you. As for the last four verses, i think you’re referring to someone who understands you, who feels you, someone that has been behind walls, parallel, paralleled or not. Someone who embraced silence, not because he wanted, but because it felt inevitable, usually silence embraces you, you just pace with it. And between walls, you might not be able to see someone, from your physical standpoint, but someone, between walls, from his standpoint, may be looking at you. But also it could be referring to people, those who say they are willing to listen to you, but you don’t see it, whereas they seem as if they were looking at you. But i’ll stand to my arch thought on it, not the second one.

    There are indeed distances that cannot be covered. Trying to cover them doesn’t always work, more often it points towards the fact that makes this distance more apparent and harder to reach, to the point that it feels unreachable. Although i will slightly disagree with your following though, i will change it a bit into: “I tend to speak less about my problems with family members not because they don’t want to be helpful and caring, but because they cannot help me any further. It’s not necessary to understand one’s problems to be able to help, but also, if you can’t help to a wider extent, you don’t possibly understand what exactly i’m trying to say and if you do, you perceive it differently to the point you can’t really help and it becomes a contrast of opinions.” By any means i didn’t want to distort your words, it’s just the way i saw through them or just the way i think about it. I liked your mathematical example, simplistic but spot on, playful in its own way. “I know that mum wants the same things as me | or that’s what I make myself believe.” Now that’s a brand new big discussion, but it always relies on different vital variables and arrays, some of them being personal experience, memories, interaction, desires, dreams and i has many imaginary numbers in between at the Z axis, good thing is that we know that i^2=-1. “But it’ll take time if i do things my way.” But it’s your way, it’s the way that makes you feel more comfortable first of all with you, because you know what, it’s you! And yourself is more important than anyone else, simply because it’s you. And it’s not at all about ego, it’s about feeling well since you… is you. And if you feel well with yourself, then it’s the time to make wonders. Simply because being you is something remarkable and beautiful. I’m not that much of a great believer, and it doesn’t have any religious meaning what i’m going to say, it’s just spot on, Jesus said “love the others just like you’d love yourself” and that’s what i’m trying to say, if you love yourself, you can love others, if you love yourself, you can love what you’re doing and if you love what you’re doing, you can only get better and more productive at it without feeling miserable. “It is needless to say that she doesn’t understand that I am idiot, a patient one.” I will strictly disagree with this one, you are not an idiot, but a patient wonder-maker. Understanding something no matter how much time you may need is far better than forcing yourself to understand it faster, because this will probably disappoint you and it will by any means exhaust you, mentally, physically, as a whole. “She has to give me *gasp* more time.” She has to give you more time, you must have all the time you need, for you, because it’s you. “Probably after that I’ll start believing that only words matter and not the silence,” words do matter, but actions matter the most. And actions matter the most after words and thoughts were put in the process, otherwise it would be a clown’s wordless thoughtless reactions. “As of now I prefer to stay quiet “, because staying quit isn’t always about the silence and the walls, it’s also about putting your thoughts in the process. “like fake plastic trees”, beautiful song and Radiohead are/is a wonderful band, but you’re a blooming living tree!

    And something to cheer you a bit, i always find this song funny 😀 Binggeul binggeul binggeul binggeul 😀 Inside this video you will find the ancient chincha-dance of the High Order of Chincha taking place in modern times! I gave them permission to use it. 😀 Dunggeul dunggeul dunggeul dunggeul 😀

    PS. Excuse any mistakes above, i was writing fast my tiny comment xD

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    1. Oh my…Kwon, you must host a television show for people who are feeling low (rhyming that was not my intention, at all) as in really, I am pretty much speechless after reading and re-reading the detailed analysis of what I wrote. As i always say – you are incredible.
      Hmm..about walls and silence, I couldn’t agree more with – ‘for every wall there’s a silence, for every silence, a wall, for every breaking, an echo.’ but I don’t want to smash through walls, or break the silence. I want to stay here, as long as I can – it is safe. I don’t want to lessen the distance. I could not and now I don’t want to. I am a shallow person and it shows by how worn out I am, so early in my life. I know that I am being rude by disregarding your point of view but this is the reality of it all. It is harsh for most, I know but accepting that doesn’t make it any better for me. Although, the person I mention in second stanza is my mother. Sometimes I feel she’s trying to reach out…not sure where it ends. In all honesty I am done with ‘trying’ to cross the distance, she won’t move and now I won’t either. I knew you’d get the decimal reference, I loved your complex number analogy – very true. I am seeing positives…I know I am patient, overly so at times. So, hopefully I’ll feel better soon. Thank you so much, Kwon, it’s very helpful of you, honestly, I am very grateful for your thoughtful comment and your support. It’s very very encouraging to know that someone is listening. Thank you. I’ll re-read your words whenever I feel subdued with the piling pressure.
      Hahaha, oh Crayon Pop, and their eccentric songs. Sounds like an old video game music, this one. It sure did cheer me up! Arigato!xD

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      1. Well, i’m not the most positive thinking person, so i wouldn’t be that helpful on such a TV show 😀 But i do have my positive uprising 😛 Although on such a show i could work a parameter doing silly things and grimaces 😛
        “I want to stay here, it is safe” this reminds me of the idiom of the frog in the well from Pinocchio 😀 But i do understand that you don’t want to lessen the distance, but also the fact that tried and couldn’t. Well, allow me to think otherwise since you shine through your poems, so i’ll put you in an ethical dilemma 😀 If you’re shallow, then i’m shallow too 😀 Nah, you’re neither rude nor you disregard my words 🙂 Well, see it like physics, you’re two poles of a magnet, you won’t move, she won’t move and if you feel like that, no distance would be crossed. I will hold the thing that you’re seeing positives! Ανδ πατιενψε aaaaargh And patience is a privilege 😀 You’re very welcome and thanks on my behalf for your deep thoughts on another beauty 😀 I’m all ears! Imagine an organism with the shape of a human consisting only of ears xD And if i can deconstruct at times the piling pressure, then i’m glad 🙂 Yeah, that’s right! Feels like a modern Game Boy game xD Sugooooi sugoi sugoi sugoi xD Do the chincha maneuvers nao xD

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      2. Haha, that’d work too! ^_^ ‘Enter paralysis’ has begun on this particular comment. -.- Physics! I loathe it as soon as it drifts off-Math which is pretty much always apart from the pretty little calculus beauties. What’s that..random Greek?! It has such an aesthetic looking alphabet system. Whoa. Daebak-est! Thank you very much. I see what you did there with ‘I am all ears’ xD Gamu Boi hahaha, sugoi yosh!

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      3. Enter paralysis XD If we take it into drama-consideration, it has A.L.S. that started showing its first symptoms XD Same here, physics is an enemy, but as soon as it feeds your beauties sometimes i will pat pat it a few times XD That was “and patience” with Greek letters 😀 Thanks a lot, it’s probably the only thing i truly love about Greece, its language XD Gamu boi looool! Chinchaman’s adventures should be a new game for Gamu boi xD

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      4. Haha, yeah, Physics is one evil subject. You’ll rarely see me frolicking around it. xD Ah, ‘and patience’ you are lucky to ‘know’ such a beautiful language, Greek letters look so compelling in its presence, I haven’t seen a lovelier ‘patience’ in my life. Sure thing, you can earn a few million ‘Won’ out of your game and then Korea, NaRa, piggybacking…you know the rest. Sugoi!

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      5. Go away Phy-sicks xD The real patience πατιενψε in Greek is υπομονή ^-^ It’s been read ee-po-mo-NEE (here’s the tone xD) 😀 AWWWWWRIGHT! If i win millions of won i can take you to SK too XD NaRa *.* piggybackin **.** the rest ***.*** (fly eyes XD) Sugoooi!

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      6. Waaa…look at that…it is like…waaaoow, how fascinating must it be to ‘write’ it! I could never considering how complex it looks but waaaoow *-*
        Ah – ‘ee-po-mo-NEE’ gotcha, now I can travel to Greece. xD
        Haha, yosh but I have already asked Dae Han to ‘find me’, that rockets my chances to visit SK to an undefined number XD

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      7. If there’s any word you’d like to find out how it is let me know xD Yush, now you can travel hiah and say eepomonee eepomonee chincha sugoi ne xD And you’ll leave me hiah and i won’t go to SK? *.* huge balloon eyes

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      8. Alright! I will! *-*
        eepomonee eepomonee chincha sugoi ne – I will probably be jailed or taken away by NASA, the latter leans more on possibility.
        Nuuooh, I’ll take you with me for sure but for that Dae Han-ah has to come fetch us…and you know how *much* of that is possible. Let’s stick to the Chinchaman official game plan. xD

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      9. Nuuuuuoh, NASA leave her el oh oon! Yeah, that’s not very possible, or maybe i should write the most positive words for him on the next reviews/recaps and try to tempt him to help us? >.> Yes, Chinchaman plan feels more real xD

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      10. Haha, still here! |(-_-)|
        Yes please, write ballads and sonnets for him and then maybe he’ll be flattered enough to rescue us…I told you, it is the gaming plan for us. xD

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      11. And the sonnet will go something like this? Dae Han, i don’t wanna visit Taiwan (well, i want to, but i need to make it rhyming), Dae Han i know you’ve got a better plan, Dae Han, you’re the second Peter Pan, Dae Ha Dae Han Dae Han! Dae Han, i know you’d never buy a gun, Dae Han, you will always be THE man, Dae Han, you’re Go Bong’s only son, Dae Han Dae Han Dae Han! Dae Han, you’re the one and only sun, Dae Han, only you have so much fun, Dae Han, takes to Korea, only you can! Dae Han Dae Han Dae Han Dae Han Dae Han Dae Han! Oteo? *what do you think? XD but i think you already know what that means in Korean xD*

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      12. It’s the third lung, isn’t it? XD That was beautiful, I mean why not write sonnets with the addressed person’s name being repeated a few *lot* of times. It totally makes sense. I say “Magnifique”! xD

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      13. Yush, the third lung is a lyricist/musician xD We’ll be rich, “Join our company! Need a sonnet for your name? You’ve found the right place! All you have to do is give us your name and your money! And a sonnet will live on!” Ooooh, magnifique! Mademoiselle, quel plaisir!

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      14. Hahaha, only name is needed – true that. xD
        Erm..’magnifique’ is all the french I can write/speak but…eh thanks(?) or yeah!! works as a response I guess xD

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      15. Ah, je parle pas beaucoup de Francais, un peu xD “i don’t speak a lot of French, a little bit” xD “quel plaisir” means what a pleasure xD It’s been some time since i practiced them to the point i don’t recall much xD

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  2. My sweet friend, I feel for you. Not being accepted for who you are, in your entirety, is a very tough pill to swallow. I’m so sorry to hear this. I really do feel for you, and will pray for you.
    Apart from that, I thought your poem was brilliant. Super clever.
    Have a nice hot cup of tea sweetie and pray your heart out ok.
    🙂 ❤

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    1. Thank you, Staci. My heart aches in knowing that you find this relevant but that’s how we were/are being raised. I love you for who you are, so please don’t ever change as I know you won’t. Neither will I.
      I am smiling after reading ‘Have a nice hot cup of tea sweetie’ – hahaha you always know where my heart lies. I will go have a cuppa and sure will pray tonight. *hugs* ❤ 😀

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      1. I’m so glad you’re going to take my advice. Caffeine always makes things brighter (or at least that’s my view).
        Don’t you worry, I won’t change. And if I do, it will only be for the better. I love you for who you are too, my friend. Only acceptance here 🙂
        Hugs and blessings.
        🙂 ❤

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      2. I agree, Caffeine (eerily enough) can make things brighter! Thank you, my friend! I completely trust you. Please take good care! I’ll keep you updated. 🙂 ❤

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  3. I, too, will pray for you. Families can be a very tricky proposition. I love how you use your words to build an understanding….we can read the words and know exactly how you are feeling. I think it is a very brilliant gift. And I think that by everything I know about you, which would be what you have shown us here, you are an extraordinary soul and you should embrace this beauty and run with it. No explanations…none are needed! ❤ ❤

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    1. Hello, Lorrie! Thank you very much for your kindest words, my dear friend. I couldn’t agree more when you say that – ‘Families can be a very tricky proposition.’ it is indeed always a dodgy situation when at home. I’m humbled by your support, and I knew you’d understand because only those who experience the pain can know how it hurts. ❤
      It feels so good to know that you accept me without any explanations, Lorrie, your presence speaks volumes in my life as I can always count on you. I'm so extremely grateful for your friendship and the bond we share. Please always stay by my side. Much Love and many warm hugs! ❤ ❤

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      1. You BETCHA!!!! It is a wonderful feeling to connect with you…I almost feel like you and I lived the same life!! I promise to always be here for you…and I know how important that promise is. I have had many a promise broken throughout my life and it made me very isolated…I didn’t think I could trust anyone…and so I know how important trust is…and I would never ever want to break it with anyone that I made a promise to.

        I am going through such a hard time right now…The Momma is basically starving herself to death…and no amount of my talking/preaching/pleading is making any impact. It feels like a nightmare…there is nothing I can do. To be brought up in a family with so much abuse I assume I shouldn’t be surprised that she is abusing herself …and me in the process. You know how sometimes you think you see things so clearly….and then you find out that everything you ever thought was wrong? That is kind of where I am at…I think I couldn’t assign any of the blame on her…I had it so firmly planted in someone else’s camp primarily…with secondary blame on a few others. This is rocking my world because it is shining a giant light on things that I apparently kept in the dark…because I COULDN’T see it…Believe it! Thanks for listening…it felt good to get it off my chest. Much love to you ❤ ❤

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      2. You say exactly what’s on my mind, Lorrie. True that, trust is such a difficult abstract to reach for those like us. It has been broken so many times by the people who should not have done so, at any cost. Thank you, my friend, I trust you. 🙂
        Oh my God, I cannot even imagine how much of a terrible time you must be going through. I’m sure she is not accepting any help from you or anyone…I don’t understand what it is that they WANT from us. What should we BE to live in peace? That’s all we want right? To be free, throw the weight that’s increasing everyday! I wish I could be there with you. I really want to just do something about this! A silent presence from a person who understands means so much, I know that feeling. You are every brave, Lorrie. To go through so much…from where I am now I don’t think I can live like this to even be twice the age I am right now. But you have outlived your pain, you have PROVED that YOU are more powerful than the Pain which follows you around is, that you don’t have to rely on it to live, but it HAS to, that you are BLESSITUDE. And, you need to keep on fighting, my dearest. Maybe we are stronger than others and that’s why we go through such hardships. Please don’t lose hope. I am always there if you ever want to talk to someone. Much much love to you! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      3. I feel your presence and I am so grateful for it! You are correct…it can mean so much when we are in the throes of the pain that is assaulting our world. I stayed awake all night the night I wrote to you last…crying…praying…writing. I had such a beautiful clarity that night and my prayers were answered immediately the next day!!! It was amazing!!! I had to look past my pain to see clearly. I think it could be a lesson that can have longstanding benefits in my life. We have some really hard work ahead…emotionally and physically…but I have such a strong faith that everything will work out…I know it will!!

        I can’t thank you enough for the incredible support you offered to me…I could feel your live across the miles! And you know that I am here any time you need someone…because even though we are afraid to need someone…WE DO!! Much much love ❤

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