optimistic @ 11:30am 27th of march 2020

the skeptic in me lives through this quote, so much

Screenshot 2020-04-11 at 2.17.02 AM


i think most of my energy on a daily gets dissipated not thinking, and leading people around me into thinking, about the little whatif(s) of life. there are so many. it’s remarkable how much effort it takes for me to be okay with optimism, maybe it’s the transient state of everything around us and i just might be slightly obsessed with absolutes; while also knowing that pretty much nothing is at an absolute/final/pure/ultimate state. i wish our linguistics (?) had the capacity to incorporate this flimsy nature of nature. i wish we spoke like “i feel optimistic about getting through with this quarantine because as of 11:30am 27th of march 2020 i am feeling optimistic because i am drinking tea right now, but going forward my statement will change, with the change of my mood, with me seeing the bottom of the cup as i sip away the tea, and the global death stats.” 

but, that’s not how we speak, and thank goodness because we’d have to say a lot of words and i am even worse at that than at optimism.

i try to capture this uncertainty with “i think” or “maybe”, “probably”, which can sometimes makes me come across as insincere. this is probably one of the reasons i can never build up my confidence. this faith in myself that i am supposed to have is dependant on so many variables, how is anyone in the world ever confident baffles me.

or maybe all of this is because i am a paranoid human being (?).

or maybe i have this obsession with absolutes because of how much my past and past statements have been held against me. do people not understand that the past is ever changing? it changes with your present and future.

whatever be the reason, i am trying to be optimistic and i try everyday and sometimes i fail but i think i am getting better. sadly, i guess life is only as eventful as us trying to live every other day better than the last.

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