optimistic @ 11:30am 27th of march 2020

the skeptic in me lives through this quote, so much

 

i think most of my energy on a daily gets dissipated not thinking, and leading people around me into thinking, about the little whatif(s) of life. there are so many. it’s remarkable how much effort it takes for me to be okay with optimism, maybe it’s the transient state of everything around us and i just might be slightly obsessed with absolutes; while also knowing that pretty much nothing is at an absolute/final/pure/ultimate state. i wish our linguistics (?) had the capacity to incorporate this flimsy nature of nature. i wish we spoke like “i feel optimistic about getting through with this quarantine because as of 11:30am 27th of march 2020 i am feeling optimistic because i am drinking tea right now, but going forward my statement will change, with the change of my mood, with me seeing the bottom of the cup as i sip away the tea, and the global death stats.” 

but, that’s not how we speak, and thank goodness because we’d have to say a lot of words and i am even worse at that than at optimism.

i try to capture this uncertainty with “i think” or “maybe”, “probably”, which can sometimes makes me come across as insincere. this is probably one of the reasons i can never build up my confidence. this faith in myself that i am supposed to have is dependant on so many variables, how is anyone in the world ever confident baffles me.

or maybe all of this is because i am a paranoid human being (?).

or maybe i have this obsession with absolutes because of how much my past and past statements have been held against me. do people not understand that the past is ever changing? it changes with your present and future.

whatever be the reason, i am trying to be optimistic and i try everyday and sometimes i fail but i think i am getting better. sadly, i guess life is only as eventful as us trying to live every other day better than the last.

mother and obligations

24 years ago
a 24 year old woman
held in her eyes
a story forged by
a future 24 years
ahead in time
authored by her
lifetime of 24
bounded in
her mother’s
sight
plight
might
and flight
24 years ago

I just hope she
doesn’t feel obligated
to feel about her
story lived wrong

---

Talking about family always makes me feel conflicted, perhaps that’s the case with most people. Despite the relentless, shameless and most of the time exaggerated blames I lay at them (especially my mother) – at the end of anything at all – from the last page of a book to a sip of tea – I know that if I don’t have my parents I have nobody to look towards.

Their expectations and my inability to touch them will always end up making me feeling guilty which I (to save myself) will pour in the cup labeled ‘I am special hence…’ and drink it only to have a comfortable sleep.

I am trying to get better at confrontations. Or I could be lying to myself. I can’t tell the difference anymore. Twenty fours into life and being glued at the starting line isn’t what’s bringing out this demented talk – races aren’t about timings if you’re a fast runner anyway – it’s about my
willingness – but only to give up
determination – to never change
courage – to lie, lie and lie again
confidence – that worthless people like me shouldn’t be allowed to live

Life doesn’t have to be a race. But for most parts – it is.

And, that’s why even if I’d never be able to say this to my mother because that would only invoke more questions – I really hope she doesn’t feel any obligation towards me – to feel happy about my birthday or my life (in general) and ask me to go out and do something ‘for myself’ because in all honesty i don’t fucking deserve it…or anything.  I don’t even deserve pain – I simply hope to be erased from everyone’s mind – once and for all.

My mother has grown in ways so much more wonderful than anyone I have known and I am sure she will keep on doing that. She is a beautiful, talented and strong woman and I love her for that. She has made me whatever little good I am today. My words, patience, tolerance, calm, quirk…everything and so much more which I have burnt. I wish her well.

I write this in order to remember…remind myself that I am thankful. That I am not a lost cause till this exists.

…This is why I have stopped writing prose-y stuff.

MS Word can Justify. You can’t.

I feel shameful posting this. More than a month has gone by since my last post. I did try to…and had a lot to say too but, as always, words fall short when one has to say things we don’t want to feel about at all. Too many times have I decided to write something that I had hoped my fellow bloggers would read and perhaps think “What a heartbreaking haiku.” Perhaps even look in their cup of tea as it stares back at them, to feel nothing. Ah, ‘nothing’ – a word you use to make people have your attention, it’s the air leaving your mouth that makes it so tasteful.
Life has been a new kind of miserable for the last few months. Something that cannot be ignored even after listening to my friend Christy’s voice talking about the convenience of being blindfolded sheep. Or perhaps I don’t get the point of it. You can’t expect much from a 23 year old who pretends that the keyboard of her laptop is a piano essential for the Joe Hisaishi ‘The Path of Wind’ video running in another tab. Tabs are too much of a convenience too.

While I mostly concur with most of what the people around me have to offer – thankfully I have been raised that way – my greatest fear lies in being agreed to more than once in a day. That once is when the coffee machine agrees to work. While sitting in my room, thinking about existence, reading Kafka’s Letter to my Father with a repulsive teardrop inconsiderately diving in the blanket,  is not how I’ll find the meaning to my existence. It can’t be found by going out with a bunch of strangers to a party, just because you can’t live without having your way with the manner in which you wish to inflict discomfort on yourself. It definitely can’t be found sitting in my air conditioned classroom, being told how much my parents are paying for a course I am not serious about (although this one was close enough, hah!). And of course it isn’t there in my unwillingness to cover the transom window above the door.

How do I find the meaning to my existence?

I don’t. Look at the butterflies.

How do I justify my life then?

Since I cannot I don’t have to. Look at the butterflies!

Oh boy…Hemmingway will not be happy with some of these lines, too damn long. Fuck. Must impress it and everyone else while bursting into insane tirades at harmless people yet being that silent loser in life. I wish I was one of those subtly cynical people who can use analogies for everything – this sentence included.

a sip of sanctified sauce

Classes are going great. It is (perhaps) no joke for me to admit that I am actually trying to be attentive in lectures, which might change after the result for the first trimester. Yes, that’s where it starts. The time where your thoughts run faster than your legs causing an incongruity which results in heating up of your patience. Voila! You realize that you’re actually a giant living and breathing jelly – wobbling, trying to find balance between grades and The Expected Grades. I call it TEGRA (The Expected GRAdes). You can too, if you are so inclined to be called strange or cool considering what you think of the word ‘Trigo’. But, that’s okay. Keeping in sight where I might have fallen had I not found the right distractions with such perfect timings, I take certain remarks thrown at me as compliments. Here’s where I lack though. I don’t know how to play catch. We will touch on that in some other post, i guess.

The one thing that puts me off about this course is how nothing is in a straight line, it’s all quite muddled up and vague. So much so that you might just zone out between two lectures and not know the difference (thanks to my profound knowledge in the subjects). But, today we had an interesting lecture – Business Communication. The professor was a lanky man, probably in his mid thirties. As he walked in I knew there was something about the disgusted look on his face which could prove to be enlightening. After struggling through a lousy attempt at checking attendance he started with a disgruntling question “How many of you talk to yourself?” Many hands were high, and strongly so, like a lamppost as if we were to be graded on that, most were dwindling, some didn’t acknowledge the question. Now, according to the Professor, talking to ourselves is how good we are at convincing ourselves. The example he sighted was how some people choose to groom themselves – there are those who manage to talk themselves out of their beds early morning and work-out or exercise while the rest simply slide on rainbows in dreamland or rather talk themselves into sleeping an hour more.
I’m a relentless resident of The Tea Rainbow so I found this thought quite hilarious.

How did he arrive at the conclusion that only talking to ourselves into actions that might result in something positive is, as he named it, ‘effective relationship with oneself’? Talking to oneself is a way of introspection – effective or not is totally subjective, isn’t it? He probably used that example prompting us the way to choose when we were thrown in the same delirium as Robert Frost was. Although in my opinion, had he talked to himself effectively before delivering the lecture he would have shown us the sky instead of handing us an inflated cloud. He could have given his insight about introspection and it’s usability in terms of making decisions and thinking before speaking or even just speaking in general (where I lack on a severe degree). I have found that the days when I either write or have a role-play-like discussion with myself I can think clearer. So, simply put, if I had a better relationship with myself then what I wrote here I would have spoken in the classroom. Oh, the paradox of not knowing the result yet daring to introspect.
The make believe way of teaching is probably the worst of all.

Other than that the rest of the lecture was pretty regular – plant seeds of inspiration, water it with a demotivating front, and fuck nurturing – the next lecture starts in fifteen minutes!

What was the last book you read?

The last book I read – ‘No longer Human’ by Osamu Dazai. I read the first page and I knew it would become one of ‘my-books’. I could find myself in almost every page of the book. The book is considered autobiographical, which makes it all the more interesting (for many) and disturbing (for most). Here’s a page from the book, which quite effectively describes the exhaustion many of us deal with on a daily basis.

I’d love to know what you last read and/or which book you find most relevant to your life! ❤

The Sisterhood of The World Blogger Award & Liebster Award (Dramaland version)

Fortunately this is going to be the ONLY version out in the virtual space. You all may take a deep breath of relief – NAO.

The amazingly brilliant drama-reviewer/writer tomochingu – Know Kwon – over at Dramajjang has nominated this blog for two awards. I’ll have to answer certain questions – South Korean Drama related so…I suppose this isn’t for everyone. (^_^)”

So, basically this post is only to answer the fun questions! Because…I CAN!

Here goes –

The Sisterhood of The World Blogger Award Questions

1) To makjang or not to makjang?

To makjang – If it has any of my favourite actors. Or else I’m not a big fan, specially now that we have gotten a taste of the not-so-typically-melo-SKean dramas.

2) Do you fall in love in every drama with a different actor/actress too? 

HAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA. Yes. Why even ask! xD

3) Has your bias ever betrayed your feelings? And if yes, when?

Nope. The trick is to ALWAYS have the lead as your bias.

4) Do you like Cho Yong Pil’s music and generally, 80s South Korean music?

You, Sire, are the one who introduced me to Cho Yong Pil’s music and I’m quite a fan of his songs now. Sadly, I don’t know much about 80s SKean music. I do enjoy the general trot genre though! ^-^

5) Which are your favorite 2015 drama and/or movie for the time being?

Kill me Heal me! Omoo! The feels. Intense. The withdrawal symptoms after it ended have quite significantly hampered my daily life (e.g spacing out for hours, i kid you not) and that has happened only once before with It’s Okay that’s Love. It’s something about the ‘semi-psychological’ thing, I suppose.

6) Which actor/actress would you like to see in a drama during 2015?

Actor – Although I know they have no projects lined up for this year – Jo In Sung & So Ji Sub

Actress – The fabulous actresses : Lee Da Hae & Gong Hyo Jin :’)

7) After Kill Me, Heal Me ended, how many personalities did you acquire? If you haven’t watched it yet, why?!

All(?), except Yo Na – nothing matches that super fangirl’s intensity! Her “OPPA!!!” and “Peace.” stance makes her invincible. xD

8) To have loved and to have lost or to have never loved?

To watch anime and die.

9) Have you ever drank soju? And if yes, did you get drunk?

No. T_T

10) Would you do the chincha dance with me?

Yes, Chinchaman, I will of course…only if you promise me a lifetime supply of tea. Muahahahaha XD

Over to Liebster Award Questions

1) With Ga In’s choreography in Paradise Lost MV i think paradise was found, do you love Ga In? If not, why?! Confess your thoughts to me.

Haven’t watched that MV yet. D: But I think Ga In is an amazing talent!

2) When you can’t think of a proper question what do you actually do? Silence is gold or silence is a burden? Or the truth lies somewhere in the middle?

Silence is gold. I believe in energy conservation. Hah! xD

3) South of the border or west of the sun?

If you’re asking about the novel by Haruki Murakami – I loved it! :’)

4) How many dramas are you currently watching? And which ones?

Only one at the moment – Missing Noir M

5) Is there a comeback from the world of Asian pop that you highly expect or want to happen?

Ah, there’s a Japanese pop-rock band – Zone. I’d really like them to make a comeback, which seems highly unlikely.

6) Did you ever feel like Yo Na? If yes, would you be able to confess your guilty feelings to me?

Only a hundredth part of her energy – yes! xD

7) Take for example The Girl Who Sees Smells, whether you watch it or not, which weird drama ability would you like to possess?

Hmm..drama ability?! I already have the ability to tell who’s the second lead actor and actress – *sigh*

I wouldn’t mind Blade Man abilities if I have full control over it. I’d love to climb on buildings on a rainy-stormy night and scare the hell out of people. ^-^

AH! And of course the ability of seeing ghosts just like Tae Gong-shil from Master’s sun provided I find Jоong-won or not(?)..i could be like a creepy version of Detective Conan who solves Ghost-mysteries. xD

8) Movies like 2046, In the Mood for Love and Lust, Caution are some of my favorites of all time, what do you think of them? Are you expecting The Crossing as much as i do?

I had to Google all of those! Oh my, I have been missing on some brilliant movies. *let the downloads commence*

9) Any idea on how recaps could take less time?

Ahahaha, no. And, I wouldn’t want them to be shorter. Your in-depth analysis is very interesting!

10) “Omona omona” they are doing some sort of chincha dance next to the singer, let’s join all together and form an MV. Seriously now, do you like trot music? Did you like the song?

YES! I love trot music! *dances along* xD

11) Saranghaeso mianhae, saranghaeso mianhae! Did you enjoy the song? But apart from that, did you catch yourself secretly singing along?

Lol, isn’t that the eternal fail of being an non-Korean, Korean music enthusiast? I always want to sing along and when I have listened to that song ^^ umpteen times, I might as well finally hum along, making absolutely no sense out of it. :’)

THANK YOU, for the nominations Know Kwon! Keep dramajjang-ing. You’re the best. Arigatou ne! ^_^

5 ways to ‘pass’ time before an important result-day

A list post! I have been yearning for this day. Haha! No, but really. I’ve been waiting for a certain result of a certain exam on which ‘MY LIFE DEPENDS’. Most universities are kind enough to give us a whole month as the ‘expected result day’ so I can simply saunter all day, pluck a rose from the garden, prick myself over and over again, spend the entire day cleaning the wound…okay here goes –

1. Try new flavours of Tea

Weather you like it or not! Yes! Do it! Or don’t and instead become a barista! That’s the only other option I’m going to provide you all with. In my opinion Tea becomes more of an acquired taste when it comes to trying various flavours but everyone MUST try the standard black tea. Am I too tea-manding? No? Sorry.

2. Post random pictures on social media

Take a picture of your pet’s tail or your shirt’s sleeve, a Chameleon’s skin or your attic’s dustiest corner oh! and why not a stranger’s hair in the local park, and let everyone guess what colour it is! You never know – science might help you achieve fame in strange ways. Not to mention, you’ll be lucky enough to get a reply/re-tweet/re-blog/(insert-the-appropriate-term) by the likes of Taylor Swift.

*all your achievements have been locked FOREVER*

Thanks, Taylor.

3. Stalk your Stalker

Ah, well to be honest if you’re reading this you probably don’t have a stalker ’cause being a blogger requires hard-work and serious internet-addiction-issues plus avoiding homo sapiens. BUT! If you’re indeed one of the all-rounders, then there’s a good tip for you. Stalk your stalkers – tell them who’s the better stalker so that they never stalk you again.

 Caution – Don’t get jailed.

4. Invent a new game

If it is an invention..it should be new anyway, right? Hah! Well, that CAN be a game too! There you are! I’ll call it “Game of Knowns”

-Invent a new game
-Lock the lock
-Consume a packet of Oreo alone
-Dump this blog and kill the blogger
-Stop reading this nonsense

5. Create a post – “5 ways to ‘pass’ time before an important result-day”

Done.

---

I tried writing a poetry but have been wandering sites and forums to find a fellow aspirant gives me an exact date for the imminent doomsday! Even a fake one would do. Then I can sue him. At least it would stop the F5 *woah, i nearly refreshed THIS page* from giving up on the companionship of F4 and F6. Jealously, I tell you.

Anyway I’m too smart to call the university and ask for myself so..maybe there’ll be another list-y post in the near future!

Do tell me, how do you all survive such turbulent times? This post is an evidence of how much I need a ‘productive’ way to do so.

Ciao ❤

Starers gonna stare and bubble wraps gonna…pop?

Hello folks! Brace yourselves, blink your eyes at the rate of an annoying housefly’s wings and forgive my incredible consistency! Ahoy! It’s time for a Dimecdote! 

More like for awkwardophile post of the month. Eheh. Did you notice the underlined word there? Yep, it’s not a ‘word’ per se. -wears the badass shades and reflects on Mount Doom-

So, moving on!

Yesterday, we had some guests over for dinner! Believe me, I struggled hard with ending the last statement in an exclamation mark. For those of you unaware what a guest is it’s ‘a person who wants to check in on you to see if you’ve (by some accident or social experiment) turned into your social media profile picture’

Yep.

These three life forms who came to visit us included – a male, a female, their 4 year old kid. I love kids. I do! I love their fearlessness, honesty, and instantaneous decision when asked to choose between their parents. Well, this kid was talkative…but..only when with my parents. He even shared the name of his favourite chocolate and shoelace-trick with them. It went on for an hour with his ‘upcoming football air-kicks’ or how he dreams of building the biggest toy-car track set, and, then came the dreaded ‘Go on, take him to your room. Talk to him.’ -cheerful parent chatter commences-

My brother was not in the house so all the responsibility to keep the child engaged was on my meek shoulders. Kids are easy to talk to, and they have so much to say anyway…or so you would think. Once he was in my room he looked at me the way my teachers did back in school. A loathsome yet pitiful looooong stare…UNTIL! *To demonstrate further here’s a pictorial representation (yeah, again, get over it) of how it went.*

‘Me being River?’

stars seethe about
unlinked black holes
roulette ball hops

---

I have the advantage of sight. I can see, which naturally makes me differentiate between good looking people and not-so-good looking ones. And, River Phoenix was only one of the former ones until I learnt about his death. To elaborate on his importance in my life, would be too a topic too subjective to discuss. I’d like to save it for myself. But, if death can save someone, then his has. Despite my rich shallowness, the respect I have for this individual and his easy to come by vulnerability cannot be contained in words. That’s pretty much all I can write about my biggest inspiration. This is probably the most personal post on this blog. Thank you, all those who read it. To know that someone’s there, listening to you, can fall short for those who’ve always had a listener but not to me. Not yet.

Here’s the interview which inspired this post’s title.

Much Love. ❤

There’s so much going on in this world today, so much ignorance among people. That’s not to say I’m not standing amongst everybody. But the point is, what can we do now? How many things do we really have control over? – River Phoenix

Some lyrics for University Applications

Not sure if life has
been liberal enough
to give me exactly four hobbies 

Or if winning in a
biased sports event
would be enough as non-academic achievement

Psychometric tests –
I meditate to try and
realise its importance
But, what relation does
one’s height and weight
have with intellect?
Now maybe that’s a question
you should have asked in
the application form

---

I know, I know *not every application is the same* but I’m not sorry! Because I’m tired of filling application forms. Day after day after day after day after day. Not only is it tougher than the qualifier exams you have to pass in order to finally have the audacity to fill that form, it’s an extremely abashing experience – moreover when you’re sitting with a friend or family, while filling one of those.

“State three of your strengths and weaknesses.” 

In the above specimen you have to write three massively vague ‘strengths’ and try to beautifully crochet their ‘extreme cases’ as your weakness. Example –

Strength – Leadership qualities -(read as ‘claptrap’)-

Weakness – Could sometimes be too work oriented -(yeah..right..like watching slice of life anime just to feel good about having horrendously cruel views on life)-

Good luck to those who aren’t here yet and Bravo to those who made it out alive!

And, to think that I might add ‘blogging’ as one of my interests, also mention my blog-URL…hmm..this post..uhm.